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What’s the Point of Disappointing?

By Tim Lafferty | Published: October 1, 2011

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A couple of weeks ago I was on my way up to London to see Baby Wants Candy (brilliantly improvised musicals based on titles shouted by the audience each night) when I noticed an excited buzz around a promotional stand at Woking train station. Liveried girls were handing out boxes that looked like they each contained a bottle 1664 beer. One lad asked if he could take one for his Dad, only to be told they could only give them out to people over the age of 18. So I took one thinking what a nice start it would be to the evening to sip a beer on the train. Imagine my dismay when, licking my lips, I opened the box to find not a bottle of beer but an empty beer glass. Perhaps the marketing director thought I’d be excited to receive the “limited edition signed glass,” which I then had to carry round with me all evening. When I got to the theatre there were two types of beer on sale in the bar and I chose the one that wasn’t 1664. Churlish, I know, but why do a promotion that leaves people disappointed?

They’re not the first company to do it. In 1992 Pepsi printed lottery numbers on the inside of bottle tops in the Philippines, the winning number each week paying out 1m Pesos (£23k). One week the winning number was 349 which unfortunately was printed on 100,000 bottle tops, producing first fever pitch excitement then disappointment and law suits.

Hoover had even bigger problems that year when it offered two return flights with the purchase of one of their products of £100 or more. The company was overwhelmed with the uptake and struggled to meet the demand. David Dixon bought a washing machine in order to get the tickets but the washing machine broke down and he couldn’t get the flights he wanted. When the repair man came to fix the machine he said “if you think buying a washing machine is going to get you 2 free tickets to America, you must be an idiot.” This was the final straw for Dixon who kidnapped the repair man’s van, becoming a national hero in the process. The promotion reportedly lost the company £48m, cost several top managers their jobs and killed the price of new Hoover products because of the number of second hand items on the market that had only been bought to get the tickets. For a while Hoover, ahem, sucked.

Are customers loyal? Sure. Right up to the moment we disappoint them.

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Acrostic Atrocities

By Tim Lafferty | Published: July 23, 2011

In the sorry affair that is the News Corp phone hacking saga there was at least a moment of humour when the News of the World (NOTW) was closed. Apparently Rebekah Brooks wanted to prevent what happened at the Daily Express when journalist Stephen P

ollard hid a message in his final editorial which said “Fuck You Desmond”, aimed at the proprietor of the newspaper. Finding no such naughty messages in the final edition of NOTW it went to print but nobody noticed the hidden messages in the crossword clues, which included “woman stares wildly at calamity”. Crossword answers included “stink,” “calamity” and “we,” “are,” “sacked” and “tomorrow”. This was all spotted by the Guardian, whose article about this and other hidden messages, known as acrostics, contained a hidden message itself.

A lot of the News Corp problems seem to be related to hidden messages, or at least emails and documents that didn’t seem to be seen by some key senior executives. I know nothing of that but I do know that apparently Homer Simpson’s hair and ear are the hidden initials of his creator’s name – Matt Groening. The Simpsons is broadcast by Fox which is owned by….News Corp.

Homer Simpson

I found acrostics very useful when trying to memorise lists of items for exams and I’ve also come across a few acrostic poems over the years. There’s even an online acrostic poem generator. I’d rather hoped it would be like predictive text – type in a few words and it would write the poem. It’s not that sophisticated but I chucked in a few words about the phone hacking scandal and this is the outcome:

Newspapers naughty
Everyone hacked off
Wendi throws punch
Shaving foam frenzy

Coppers involved
Oh dear
Rupert looks old
Pension looming

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Who Can You Trust?

By Tim Lafferty | Published: June 30, 2011

I’ve heard it said that one of the great things about the internet is that you don’t have to believe the marketing and advertising “BS” of companies – you can get the truth from people you trust, people like you. But it’s becoming increasingl

y clear that, unless you know someone personally, it’s very difficult to know who to trust on the web. Those book reviews on Amazon? Apparently reviewers are enticed by free products and so it’s in their interest to write positively. Those endorsements for the healing properties of acai berries or the wonders of various diet pills? Mostly written by marketers on sites that pretend to be independent.

And it’s not just the written word that’s difficult to authenticate. There have been a few videos that went viral which are hard to tell if they’re for real or not. Here are a couple: take a look and see what you think?

I was taken in by the “I love cats” one at first, although when Debbie said she likes to see them on rainbows a little alarm bell rang. Dating site eHarmony said it’s not a video on their website and “Debbie” also has another obviously spoof video on youtube about her as a Siamese cat, so I think this one’s a spoof too by a good actress. Oddly, it’s quite a good plug for eHarmony which wouldn’t have been nearly as effective if it had transpired that this was a fake video produced by them.

As for the Russian talent show arrow, I’m still not sure. I’ve read a theory that it’s a viral video promoting the can of drink on the man’s head, in which case it’s a clever piece of video editing. I hope that’s the case. If it’s for real, I apologise for showing something rather gruesome and I hope the poor chap is OK.

Photographs can also be misleading. Take the famous picture snapped in Vancouver recently. It’s a fabulous photograph but was this couple really kissing in the middle of a riot or was it a good use of photoshop?

Well apparently the man, Australian Scott Jones was out with his Canadian girlfriend for a drink that evening. When they came out of the pub they were inadvertently caught up in the riots. She was knocked to the ground by police riot shields and was understandably distressed. To calm her down, Jones spoke to her gently and gave her a kiss. He was simply an Aussie looking after his sheila – good on yer mate. So it’s a genuine picture but perhaps the emotions in the kiss were not what we first imagined.

Of course there are some pictures that are very obviously just photoshop fails – if you google “photoshop fails” you’ll find a lot of images of people with three arms etc. My favourite is one that came to light this week in China – supposedly officials inspecting a new road.

The photo has prompted a deluge of ridicule of the government in China, which just a few years ago would have been unthinkable.

There’s a lesson in all this for organisations; honest marketing is best. Doctored pictures or made up reviews will probably be found out eventually, which is embarrassing and will damage the brand.

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Make It Up and Shut Up

By Tim Lafferty | Published: May 31, 2011

My son recently went to see a stand-up comedian called Milton Jones who asked a woman in the audience what she did for a living and she said “statistician”, to which he instantly retorted “Wow, what are the chances?” Whether he has a long lis

t of suitable reposts, she was a plant or whether he’s just quick on his feet, I don’t know. I’m an admirer of improvisation, and though as a writer it pains me to say it, improv can even work better sometimes (but not often) in a movie than a script does (see Mike Leigh’s Happy-Go-Lucky).

In New York last week, as part of the Guggenheim Museum “stillspotting nyc” exhibition, Improv Everywhere’s The Mute Button took to the streets. The idea was that a group of 23 actors and 2 dogs would undertake noisy activities in Brooklyn but on a signal every half minute or so they’d suddenly go to mute, to the bemusement of passers-by. Keep watching to the last frame, the best bit.

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Don’t Make Me Laugh

By Tim Lafferty | Published: April 20, 2011

Humour is a dangerous thing. Many a time I’ve told the wrong joke to the wrong person at the wrong time. One lesson learned: NEVER tell jokes about dead babies. EVER. I still have nightmares about the one time I tried. Humour also has to be used wi

th caution in advertising for several reasons. Firstly, most ads that try to be funny, really aren’t. And even if they are, once you’ve seen them half a dozen times they can become quite tedious. Finally, you’re trying to shift product so that’s what you need to focus on – there’s no point in having someone in stitches if they then can’t remember what it is you’re selling.

Pizza Hut is trying to be funny with its latest TV commercial in the UK, with a spot that has more cheese than one of its pizzas. It talks about how they don’t hire people who are as hot as their pizzas, but reliable average-looking people “like Steve.” I wonder how that went down with the staff there. Apparently the campaign is going to run for 11 months; I can hardly wait.

The “Compare the Meerkat” campaign promoting insurance price comparison site www.comparethemarket.com is one of the more successful attempts at humour. What’s clever about the campaign though is that there can’t be anyone in the UK now who doesn’t know the name of that site; even if you type in comparethemeerkat.com you get to the right place. They’ve also created a stunning 3D-style website to expand on the joke http://meerkovo.comparethemarket.com although the point of that site is lost on me – it seems to be some sort of game. Never-the-less Compare the Meerkat is a great example of how a clever and funny marketing concept can define a whole business. Simples.

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Why it Pays to Bang On

By Tim Lafferty | Published: April 5, 2011

I recently tried to convince a client that long copy pulls better than short copy, whether it’s in a direct mail letter or an email. I know it sounds counter-intuitive in some ways, when people are short of time and suffering from information

overload. But it has been tested many times – a two page letter gets more response than a one pager, and four pages is even better. If you’re going to buy something, you want to be sure you’re doing the right thing, and a longer letter has more opportunities to reassure and convince. My client said he had long discussions with a colleague about this in a previous job, where he worked in advertising sales. The colleague sent out long sales letters, whereas my client favoured short and snappy. There was no scientific testing and the outcome was inconclusive. “We were both crap at advertising sales,” he said. So I pointed out that there is a caveat – a bad short letter is preferable to a bad long one. Hopefully we get on well enough that he will remain a client.

I’m lucky enough to have worked on what many consider to be the one of the most successful direct mail letters of all time, for The Wall Street Journal (WSJ). I can’t claim to have written the original, just brought it to Europe and tweaked it for a local audience. It worked just as well here in the early 90′s as it had in the U.S. where it beat all other tests for years. Here’s the opening:

Dear Reader,

On a beautiful late spring afternoon, twenty-five years ago, two young men graduated from the same university. They were very much alike these two young men. Both were good students, personable and – as young university graduates are – were filled with ambitious dreams of the future.

Recently, these two young men returned to their university for their 25th reunion.

They were still very much alike. Both were happily married. Both had children. And both, it turned out, had gone to work for the same manufacturing company after graduation, and were still there.

But there was a difference. One of the men was a manager of a small department of that company. The other was its president.

What Made the Difference?

Now you might think it goes on to claim that reading a certain newspaper made the difference. But no, it was more subtle than that. The difference was knowledge, claimed the letter, and its application; it takes another page and a half to expand on that thought and to describe how the WSJ can provide some of that knowledge. But the implication was clear – the WSJ could make you more successful, and what could be more powerful than that?

Good copy like that is as rare as an apology from Jeremy Clarkson because it takes a lot of craft. I recently spoke to Matt Cunningham, Creative Director at the very successful and rapidly-growing direct marketing agency Digital and Direct. I asked him what he looks for in a copywriter and his list included “People who can write good long copy, and they’re hard to find.” Perhaps I should write him a letter. Four pages, at least.

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Mile High Video Club

By Tim Lafferty | Published: March 28, 2011

My favourite video online is United Breaks Guitars. It’s the ultimate revenge by a passenger who received poor customer service and I challenge you to watch it and not think “well done you.” It’s a salutary lesson for companies in the age of

social media – no matter how good your marketing is, you can totally lose control of the message if you don’t deliver what you promise.

On the subject of managing the message there has been a move by airlines in the last couple of years to try to engage passengers more in their on-board safety videos. Air New Zealand’s is perhaps the most extreme with camp aerobic instructor Richard Simmons doing a cheesy 1970′s routine. It might be novel the first time but is surely a discouragement to be a frequent flyer with them – it’s not something you’d want to sit through twice.

On the other hand, the one they did with their staff wearing nothing but body paint needs to be viewed several times to ensure you, um, know where the lifejackets are stowed. It’s hard to concentrate on safety and you have to think they’d be cold if the aircraft had to ditch in the sea. Some of them already look cold, if you know what I mean.

Virgin America’s on-board video has an animation, with a tongue-in-cheek voice over which seems to try to convey the message that “we think this stuff is boring as you do, but hey, we have to do it.” The problem with that is, they really shouldn’t find that stuff boring – that’s our job. It’s also a bit condescending but does have its moments, such as “For the 0.0001% of you that have never operated a seat belt before, it works like this….”

And finally – an entertaining airline steward, at SouthWest, who raps the safety briefing. He’s very cool and signs off with “You won’t get that on United Airlines, I guarantee you.”

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Why Not?

By Tim Lafferty | Published: March 6, 2011

There’s a TV commercial running at the moment for Direct Line Insurance with the sign-off “Why not call Direct Line…” Why not is such a lame call to action; it might as well be followed by “…if you’ve got nothing better to do.” On the o

ther hand, one of the cleverest and bravest ads on tele lately has been the one for Marmite, the strong-tasting yeast extract spread. The ads are based on “love it or hate it” showing clips of people either relishing it, or virtually gagging on it. What’s clever is that they’ve recognised that people who hate it aren’t going to change their minds based on something they’ve seen on TV, so they may as well alienate them. What they want to do is remind the rest of us how much we like it and make us feel special, part of an elite.

The Economist had this down to a fine art with their poster advertising, making people who read it feel that they must be a cut above the average. For example:

You can so tell who doesn’t like read The Economist

They’ve also played on the fear of looking ignorant, for example (approximate headline from memory):

“I never read the Economist.”

Assistant Manager, 49

An Economist TV commercial which ran a few years ago showed a man sitting in business class on an airline, when Henry Kissinger sits down next to him. The voice-over went something like this:

“So, you’re going to be spending the next 4 hours talking to Henry Kissinger. Nervous?”

I admired the Economist’s advertising for years and I think it explains why something with such a dull sounding title punched seriously above its weight. For years they continued to invest in advertising, even when times were tough, which is why their circulation sales were the most robust in the industry. But in the last three or four years even they seem to have been hit by the downturn in print media; I don’t see so much of them these days and what they’re doing lacks some of their previous cleverness.

When I was at BusinessWeek I was tempted to run a poster campaign that had the word “Economist” on a red background, and then the word “Pragmatist” below in BusinessWeek colours. Thankfully someone further up the line decided that waging war on The Economist probably wasn’t a good idea.

The FT’s ‘No FT, no comment’ tagline played to similar fears – that if you don’t read it, you won’t have anything to say on important issues. But their advertising has never been quite as clever or consistent as The Economist’s. My favourite moment of schadenfreude (I was working for the competition at the time) was when they used a pink yacht to promote the launch of their Australian edition, but it hit Sydney Opera House and sank. Picture here.

Probably the best advertising that the FT has done involved no copywriting at all – they wrapped the newspaper around Hong Kong’s tallest building, Two IFC. My friend Mary-Frances Bellman was behind that ground-breaking and memorable stunt, which garnered a huge amount of press coverage. Click here for pictures. The moral of those two FT stories is to be memorable, but for the right reasons. And why not?

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A Body of Text

By Tim Lafferty | Published: February 22, 2011

The human body isn’t generally thought of as a print medium, but it can be. Take tattoos. I heard today that a man in the U.S. had the text of Leviticus 18:22 tattooed on his arm; it forbids male homosexuality (photo buy cialis online

eed.com/mjs538/man-tattoos-leviticus-1822-that-forbids-homosexua”>here). Presumably he’s not aware that Leviticus 19:28 forbids tattoos.

I know of a man who had “R.I.P. Mum” tattooed on his arm even though Mum was alive and well – he thought Rest In Peace meant, like, Peace Man. On an airport bus a few years ago, I overheard a woman asking an elderly couple about their matching tattoos. They had each other’s names etched on their arms. They said they’d been together for 50 years so reckoned they would probably not split up, and they no longer had parents telling them they couldn’t have them. I thought that was kinda cool.

Even though I spent 10 years in the Navy, I don’t have any tattoos and I’d have to be very drunk indeed to have one now. I really dislike heavily tattooed bodies but I don’t mind the odd discrete etching. Once, in the back of a Hong Kong taxi, a mate’s girlfriend flashed me the little dolphin on her buttock. It was over 20 years ago but still strikes me as a rather erotic moment, which probably makes me sound a bit of a saddo.

If being jabbed with a needle hundreds of times doesn’t appeal, you could wear a witty t-shirt instead. And, unlike a tattoo, you can change it easily when you get bored. A Facebook friend-of-a-friend in the U.S. wrote this on her page today:

“Just saw a young man at the gym wearing a shirt that said, “I heart bush” and thought, “I really hope he means p*ssy”.”

Other t-shirt captions I’ve seen and liked recently include:

Dyslexics Untie

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

“The trouble with being punctual is that no-one’s there to appreciate it.” Franklin P. Jones.

Bomb disposal expert. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Men and women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Practice safe food; use condiments.

Please send me your favourites (that’s a request not a t-shirt slogan).

What would you have tattooed on yourself? On your worst enemy?

P.S.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog featuring the self-deprecating humour of James Blunt. An article about him in the Sunday Times Magazine this week talked about exactly that (among other things about him) and gave some of the same examples. You read it here first, free! (I’d be flattered if they’re reading my blog to get ideas but it seems unlikely).

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If I Agreed With You, We’d Both Be Wrong

By Tim Lafferty | Published: February 15, 2011

After a friend and her husband split up, she stayed in the family house and he moved into a flat.  A few weeks later he came round for a family meal, after which he said “There are many things I miss about living here, but you’re not one of t

hem.” Fortunately she’s the sort that can see the funny side of a remark like that and appreciate it for what it is (apart from rude) – a paraprosdokian. That’s a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It’s often used for humorous effect, sometimes producing an anti-climax.

Winston Churchill was rather good at paraprosdokians:

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.”

and

“There but for the grace of God….goes God.”

Here are some others, authors unknown, but forwarded to me by Sylvia Luckman:

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

Dolphins are so clever that after a few weeks in captivity they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Whenever I fill out a form that says “Person to notify in the event of emergency” I always write “Doctor.”

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a women wearing a T-shirt which said “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?”

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I always take life with a pinch of salt. Plus a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then name whatever you hit as the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that travels twice as fast when you’re running after it as it does when you’re in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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